


when i found you i found me too

by fictionalfoibles



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, Oblivious Jack Zimmermann, YouTube, well he's oblivious about his feelings at least
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 14:31:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18852982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalfoibles/pseuds/fictionalfoibles
Summary: Winter break in Montreal, after Parse's disastrous visit, Jack reflects with the help of a certain YouTube channel...one he's not supposed to know anything about.





	when i found you i found me too

**Author's Note:**

> I swear there are more "Bitty is a Kitchen Witch" AUs in this fandom than there are "canon, but Jack sees Bitty's YT channel" AUs. Both are great. But so ya'll know why I was motivated to write the latter.
> 
> This really gets all up into Jack Zimmermann's head. Be warned. Also, obviously I lifted some lines straight from Bitty's vlogs for continuity. This is 1 of 2 I guess. I haven't wrote part two, but part one can act as a standalone for now. What I mean is, please read this. Give me some motivation for part two. There might be ridiculous pining ahead. If you're into that sort of nonsense! :P
> 
> I haven't wrote fic in a while and this is no exception. It was just sitting on my computer and that really bummed me out, so I'm posting it!
> 
> As always...I did not think this through and I did not edit this mess. Haha, wow, I'm the best hypeman ever. *fingerguns*

Bored. So bored. He never thought life could get so boring, but that was before. Before, going home for winter break was a welcome respite, the stinging air of Montreal and the warmth of the family home nostalgic and welcoming, despite everything in his past that made him want to flee to the States and hide away at Samwell in the first place.

That was years ago, now. He's grown, and changed, and Parse was so, so far in the wrong.

He loved his life. He had grown into it, felt a little bit of pride at what he had accomplished. For Kent to come barging in to his life, throwing himself at him, begging him to leave school halfway though his senior year and sign with the Aces--it was an insult to everything he'd built. The life he had.

It didn't stop the panic attack from Parse's whip-sharp retort when Jack failed to give Parse the answer he so wanted. The blonde's words cut through him like a knife.

And now everything feels...a little stagnated. And yet, it has almost nothing to do with Kent Parson, though blaming him would be the easier solution than to address Jack's real issue.

He's withdrawn into himself, again. Sure, Shitty has texted a few times, and he's on the SMH group chat, but it's not the same. He's a quiet guy, more comforted by existing around his friends, not used to being the source of entertainment. He hardly knows what to contribute to a conversation half the time aside from anemic responses of "haha."

Whatever. Not like he's the most talkative guy in his circle of friends. Not like he's the one known for bringing everyone together, for making everyone stay in place long enough for the world to feel like it's stopped spinning around them.

And that's Bittle to a _T_ , for sure.

Everyone on the team has their own thing. Ransom and Holster are the ones that make sure everyone is in good spirits and having fun. Shitty is the mischief maker, and the outspoken advocate of the group. Lardo is somehow both authoritarian taskmaster and an enabler depending on her mood and the situation. Jack supposes he's like the strict dad of the group, expecting everyone to do no less than their best and good only for stilted conversations and an awkward pat on the back here and there. And Bittle...Bittle is the heart of the team. He cares. So much about other people, and sometimes too little about himself. Selfless. And Jack knows the team wouldn't be the team they are this year, so full of promise and solidarity, without him in the mix.

Jack wouldn't have been the same person.

He sighs, sitting in a big plush lounge chair in the den of his parent's house. He misses Shitty. He misses Lardo. He misses his team. He misses Bitty, and his easy laughter. His sympathetic ear.

Jack already ate all the cookies Bittle snuck into his bag before he went home. He saved the note that went with it.

He pulls his laptop out of the bag leaning against the chair, and watches the fireplace, flames only starting to die down from when he and his dad put it on an hour ago.

He boots up his laptop, checking his phone while he does. Nothing new on the group chat. The holiday haze has come and gone, and it's early days in the new year. He'll be heading back to Samwell in two days, back to constant excitement at the haus, back to the infamous gross couch, video game marathons, haus parties, schoolwork, a warm kitchen filled with pie.

He doesn't text Bittle much over break. It's...awkward. He doesn't know how to explain Parse to Bittle. How Parse may have come off harsh--and he was--but that Jack wasn't blameless either. They're both due apologies. And Jack knows if he tries to talk to Bittle right now, his friend won't pry, but that will only make Jack want to open up more and Jack still doesn't know how he feels about...well, everything.

He thinks he wants to play for Providence. And his reasoning on why he wants to is still a little half-baked. He knows he wants to make up with Parse. Someday, he'd like to actually be friends with the guy. But their history is too complicated to go into now--he's still reeling from the confrontation and not ready to explore a tentative friendship or even talk about it with anyone else. And Bitty--Bittle--he had seen Jack on the verge of a panic attack. Jack doesn't want to drag someone he truly cares about that mess. It was bad enough Shitty had to deal with him a few times freshman year, while he was adjusting to his new normal.

So, no. He's not ready to talk to Bittle just yet.

And. It's. So. _Boring_.

Jack remembers, quite belatedly, that Bittle has a thing on YouTube. A vlog? Or something? He's not quite sure. Jack thinks he mentioned Bittle taking pictures for his blog a few times and hopefully Bittle never laughed at him for his mistake. He knows Ransom and Holster help out from time to time. He hears them sometimes talking about their "script." One time they showed up in his room with a camera while he was brushing his teeth in the bathroom. In his underwear. As long as it didn't affect their game, Jack found it easy to look past all the nonsense going on around him.

But now he was bored, and kind of curious. He wondered if Bittle kept up with it over break.

He tries not to admit to himself that he kind of just wants to see Bittle's face. Hear his voice. Without having to have any of those awkward, difficult conversations.

He pulls out his phone.

 

What's Bittle's YouTube thing called?

whhhaaaaaaatt? you mean you don't know????  
why aren't you asking him?

Shitty.

okay, whatever  
of ice and icing  
BUT OF COURSE I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS YOU JUST HAPPENED UPON IT AND I WAS NEVER INVOLVED, GOT IT?

Got it. Thanks.

so...

I'm just bored. Okay?

Aww. Zimmermann, you fucking beaut. You damn lunkhead. You miss us. And our crazy.

Maybe.

 

Jack finds the channel. There's...a lot of videos. He figures he should start at the most recent one, which seems to have been uploaded just after Christmas.

 

"Ya'll, it's winter break! And things down south are heating up!" Bitty says into the camera from a room Jack has never seen before.

It's a cold open, which Jack can appreciate. His friends, including Bittle, try to get him to watch famous YouTuber videos sometimes that have ridiculous intros, music, effects, over-the-top personalities...it's always just too much for him. Bittle on camera only seems to act a little more outgoing and ridiculous than he usually is. He talks on camera how he talks when he's really excited about something.

"Moo Maw came and stayed with us over Christmas, and ya'll won't BELIEVE what my Christmas gift this year was!" He grins, and Jack finds himself grinning stupidly back, as if Bitty was in the room regaling whoever's in the house with his stories. "Moo Maw made a BOOK -- a BOOK! -- of Bittle family recipes and the stories behind those recipes!"

He's suddenly closer to the screen, wearing a mock-serious expression. "Now, ya'll know I've been collecting family recipes practically my whole life, and I know most of these stories inside-and-out. But..." Bittle sighs, emotive in a way Jack doesn't know if he's even capable of being, "This? This just means so much to me."

Bittle sits back again in the next shot, and Jack feels, for some reason, like he's breathing a little easier.

"I can take this back to Samwell with me. And even though it's been hard for me growing up in Georgia, this is actually something I wouldn't mind bringing back to Yankee land with me. It's the best parts of home that I'll miss when school starts back up again. Speaking of which..."

Bittle goes on to describe his course list for next semester, and which courses he's excited about (The American Dream: Home Life Post-WWII) and which he'd rather not have to suffer through ("I regret going to a libarts school. Why do I have to take ANOTHER gen ed math course? Haven't I suffered enough?"). Bittle finishes off by taking questions from his followers, most of them baking-related, and promises to have a longer video next time when he's back in his kitchen again. And Jack's stomach kind of does strange things at that. Because the haus kitchen really is Bitty's kitchen, in a way that it hadn't been anyone else's before, or, likely, after he's gone, either.

 

Jack decides to watch a few more videos, feeling strangely indulgent. He wishes he had more of Bittle's cookies with him. Better yet, a pie.

He clicks on the first video, feeling curious about a young Bittle. He almost laughs at the smaller, floppy-haired blonde, messing about in a kitchen, searching for something and looking irritated when he can't find it. "Mamma, where in the heck is the long whisk, I swear, I put it right here--are you FILMING ME?" Bittle turns to the camera, yell-laughing, and Jack hears a snicker off camera. "Momma!" Bittle laughs, reaching out for the camera. The screen goes dark.

Bittle comes back on the screen, in a more controlled environment this time. Bittle always looks young, but Jack figures he's about 14 or 15 here, extremely boyish and worlds away from the young man he knows now. He's sitting in a desk chair, the camera quality is just terrible and the lighting is even worse, but Bitty smiles his charming smile, and Jack supposes this is how Bittle has almost two thousand followers on his chanel. This video alone has a couple thousands of hits, by honor of being the first, probably.

"Well! Hi ya'll!" Young Bitty says, and Jack chuckles at how impossibly young he sounds, voice cracking a bit. "I guess I don't have a better way to start off this vlog. I am something of a neurotic baker. It's totally not my fault! I just like to keep my kitchen a certain way, is all! How else you gonna find a damn thing in your kitchen if you don't keep it organized? Which brings me to my first tip! Don't let your Mamma mess around in your kitchen and hide your whisks! Things could get real mean real quick! Good thing my Mamma's my best friend and I know she likes to kid around. But really. Don't mess with a cook's kitchen. Trust me."

Even back then, Bitty had such a great sense of humor. Jack tries to think about him as a younger teenager, and...it was all competition, messing around with Parse, more competition, feeling anxious and depressed all the time, more competition...

Without thinking much about it, Jack gets comfortable and tucks in to indulge a bit on a different life entirely.

 

He watches videos where Bittle bakes everything, from cookies to cakes to scones to cupcake, souffles, and his infamous pies. And he watches him slowly gain a fanbase. Sympathetically answers one follower question early on in his vlogging days that asks him if he's seeing anyone. On camera, Bitty blushes and says he's "not seeing anyone." That he's "never dated anyone" before. He watches Bittle's old skating routines that it seems like his mom has filmed, her cheers behind the shaking camera when his program has ended and she's holding the camera and trying to clap at the same time.

As much as he knows Bittle loves his mother, she doesn't seem to show up in any of his videos as a guest. Not that Bittle has many "guests" at all on his show.

He barely even mentions his father at all.

He hears stories about Katya, his old figure skating coach, some of them Jack's heard before from the man himself, especially when their early morning checking sessions turned into Bittle gripping about Jack being Katya 2.0 "but WORSE, Jack!" He hears about competitions and advancements, and Bittle's excitement about making it to Junior Regionals, in between Bittle's baking tips and tricks for perfect pie crusts.

Then, as soon as it began, maybe only an hour of vlog time later, it all ends.

 

"Hey ya'll," Bittle greets with a wan smile, subdued. "I've got some pretty interesting news. I'm actually going to be switching sports, if you can believe it." Bittle scratches his arm absently. "Figure skating has been great, but, it's just too expensive for me to keep up with. But there's a lot of reasons for the change-up. My family recently moved across the state, and it's too far for Katya to travel back and forth all the time. Plus, I know I'm good, but I don't have the natural talent to go as far as I'd like in the figure skating world. I know I wouldn't be able to make a career out of it for the amount of time I'm putting in."

Bullshit. It sounds like bullshit excuses to Jack. Not even touching on the fact hockey was at least expensive as if not more expensive than figure skating, it was painfully obvious how much Bittle loved figure skating, perhaps almost as much as Jack loved hockey. At this point Jack's heard Bittle talk (on camera and off) about his first pair of ice skates when he was seven. How he loved going to the rink as a kid because it felt like winter--true winter--and how the ice shavings off the rink looked like snow. How he felt peaceful and purposeful, out there on the ice, moving along to the music.

He also knew the real reasons Bittle quit. Even here, in this public-yet-private forum, Bittle still couldn't implicate his father in his own unhappiness.

"And anyway Coach has been suggesting for years that I join a team sport. That it would be good for me to be a part of a group. It's a good point. The only thing I didn't like about figure skating was that it was kinda catty. Sure, I made a couple of friends, but being on a team...that could be nice too. Maybe even better.

"But I told Coach I don't wanna go back to football...I tried that once when I was a kid and Coach actually was my football coach." Bittle makes a face. "It didn't end well. But...I think I came to a good comprimise. One that still leaves me on the ice, AND on a team!"

 

From there the subject shifts to Bittle's brief pre-college hockey career. No checking allowed.

His recipies get more involved, his on-screen personality sharpens to a point where it's recognizible to the Bittle he saw in the most recent video, and his pop culture references proliferate like crazy, and most of the videos trim down to a mangeable formula of 6-8 minutes, and appear more carefully styled.

It looks like he opens up, a little more, about his life--skirts around difficulties, keeps maintaining an upbeat, can-do attitude that at one point Jack almost found relentless and infuriating. But now he can see it's just a shield, the way Jack's known for being "robotic" most of the time. Bittle doesn't want people to know when he's hurting. When he's feeling particularly vulnerable. It looks like he's opening up in his videos, but it's really a finely crafted mask. A defense mechanism. The one people need sometimes to get through difficult parts of being alive.

He notices when he asks for questions from his followers for Q&As, the comment section fills with invasive, yet mostly heartfelt, questions about his personal life--and his dating life. Bittle deftly avoids answering any personal questions that don't revolve around ice hockey or the kitchen.

 

There are more and more time gaps between videos, when Bittle is busy with sport and school, and doesn't find time to update. He gets off a quick video in the spring before his high school graduation talking about his plans (now that he has been "officially accepted to Samwell University on a hockey scholarship! Oh my god, ya'll!"), all gleeful smiles and happy dancing. It makes Jack chuckle at his ongoing enthusiasm, which seems very genuine here.

Bittle talks about what he's nervous about--not being able to make the grades at this incredible school. Not being accepted for who he is, even though he knows that Samwell's 1-in-4 catchphrase means he's going to have a lot of support from liberal-minded peers. (He doesn't come out on the vlog, never says the words "I'm gay," never talks about boys he has crushes on, but his loyal audience has caught on over the years to what he's always talking around, and not so discreetly anymore, it seems.)

He worries about not being able to take a hit if he's checked particularly hard.

Jack knows now Bittle's fear of checking is years in the making, and goes all the way back to his peewee football days being knocked around by the other kids. Something Jack only learned in their checking practice, but he didn't know before, when Bittle seemed to freeze up for no reason on the ice, colapsing in on himself in fear, and all Jack could see was another roadblock to victory.

If he could just go back and do it over again...

 

He gets hungry, at least that's what Jack tells himself, and gets up to grab a light evening snack.

He's not quite ready yet for what he thinks is next. He was such a jerk to Bittle back then, couldn't quite get his head out of his ass, and he's both insanely curious what Bittle thought of those early days and terrified, almost as sure that he doesn't want to know at all. Ignorance is bliss.

He munches away at some celery and peanut butter idly, trying not to think of anything. The house is too big and quiet, his parents are off for the night at some party in the city. They won't be back til late. It's just Jack, his computer, and a year and a half's worth of unwatched vlogs.

Jack changes for bed, brushes his teeth, and tucks in, propping himself up and laying his computer on his lap.

 

Bittle only updates his vlog once in the summer, around the fourth of July, and goes silent for the rest of the season. In his vlog, he claims a summer job is sucking up most of his free time, and preparing for college was taking up the rest of it.

 

"Hellooooo, Internet Land!" Bitty grins, waving, blonde hair tossled about and looking like he just paused in the unpacking in the heat of August to record this video, open boxes behind him and personal items strewn all around. The one thing that IS already up in Bitty's new dorm is one of his Beyonce posters.

"Some of my adept followers may have noticed a change in location, and have noticed correctly because..." Bitty says, then leans lose to the camera, yelling excitedly "I'm in my freshman dorm at Samwell!" He makes a frankly ridiculous face and adds, "Oh my goodness and the campus is so gorgeous." He talks about why he's at school a week and a half before the rest of the freshman class is due to arrive, and explains how he's going to bring pecan pie for "the boys" on his new team.

There's a cut to a black screen that eerily states "29 hours later." And then Bitty is back, looking a little shell-shocked.

"Well. I met the boys. Um." He starts, looking off to the side, like he still can't believe anything he just witnessed, and Jack is already laughing imagining it. He remembers only briefly meeting the frogs on the ice before telling them to rest up for practice tomorrow. The pie came after and Jack was annoyed by its presence and didn't want to be tempted by sweet foods that were definitely not in his approved diet plan, so he left before the insanity really took off.

"The things they did to the pecan pie were felonious," Bitty says, hyperbolic yet still so believable. Jack could only piece together the details of what he might have seen from Shitty and Holster's retelling. Bittle never spoke about that night. When asked about it, all he ever did was sigh and say "my poor pie."

On his next video Bittle apologizes for his lack of updates, citing classes starting and morning practice. Bittle looks a little lost for words when he tries talking about his unusal teammates again, and it is very clear that he has not gotten over the pie fiasco at this point. "Thanks, guys, for all the supportive comments. The team is...um. I guess it just takes time to click with people after they do unspeakable things to your pies."

He shakes his head, as if to rid himself of a particularly gruesome image. "Anyway. Ya'll wanna know about the team. Okay. So there's Shitty. I still don't know his first name. Unlike his nickname though, he's actually a really outgoing, really nice guy, who seems like a total bro and at the same time, like, crazy liberal? I guess that's Samwell for you. And like his name, Shitty is known for dropping f-bombs and cusses left and right, and most of the time not for their intended purpose. He's something of an enigma. Oh. Also he has a killer mustache.

"Then there's Ransom and Holster. Sorry--Holster and Ransom. To be honest, I'm not sure which one's which yet. They're always together, on and off the ice, and seem like they've been best friends forever, though they're only sophomores and met last year. They're two of the most popular, most liked guys on the team, despite apparently not hanging out much with like, the majority of the team that doesn't live in the haus. The other guys say it's because they throw the best kegsters and make sure no one's single at Winter Screw." Bittle pauses, and the light background music cuts off for effect as Bittle deadpans at the camera, looking worried. "Oh my lord. What in the hell is Winter Screw?" Bittle shakes his head. The music resumes. "Anyway...

"And last but not least, our dearly beloved Captain: Jack."

For some reason, there are too many pauses in that sentence. The way Bittle says his name, with some kind of added stress on the word, subtle but present, puts him on edge.

Bittle sighs. "I'm sorry to report I can't go a damn team breakfast without my captain criticizing nearly everything I put on my plate. Which as ya'll know, for me, is a big no-no. Apparently I'm not getting enough protein? Like, pancakes have eggs in them, Jack, calm down." Bittle sighs. Jack grits his teeth and tries to remind himself that this all happened a year and a half ago, that Bittle probably doesn't still think about him like this, but it still hurts. Jack's history with the phrase 'calm down' isn't pleasant, and it's hard to disassociate Bittle's words from their unfortunate connotation.

"I get he's probably stressed, dealing with twenty other college guys, balancing school and hockey and all that. I just don't appreciate how I'm always treated like a child."

Jack doesn't waste time processing his feelings, and starts the next video, sighing, wondering if he even should.

I shouldn't. Jack thinks. Bittle didn't want the team watching for a reason.

Still, it doesn't stop him. Jack doesn't know why, but it's like a need, now. He has to know. Has to have the full story.

The video starts without the usual snappy introduction. "Junior and senior year of high school I was captain of my small town Georgia Coed Club Hockey Team. No checking allowed." Bittle says, looking tense. "But, like, I'm ready to take a hit now that I'm playing real college hockey...seriously."

He was not ready.

 

It felt like Jack was reliving that year of miscommunication and aggravation. Bitty didn't go into too much detail about his woes, but touched on the fact that though his coaches seemed kind and wanted to help him through it, and his teammates were a bit baffled but understanding about his mental block, Jack was...none of the above. Well, baffled, maybe. But angry.

"I want to be angry but at the same time, I can't blame him. The hockey team at Samwell is one of the best in the NCAA. They probably don't get guys coming from just two years of co-ed, no-checking, rec-level hockey. It's just that I'm trying so hard to be a better player, and I feel like everyone can see that but Jack. And that's why it's so dang frustrating!

Well, anyway ya'll. Enough of that. The big news this week is actually good news!" Bittle says, and the hurt and pain are shuffled under a neutral mask of pleasant Bittle-ness, one that Jack has seen time and time again.

Bittle goes on to describe his first time at the Haus, being led around by Shitty as part of a SMH frog tour, and baking the first pie in the "disgusting, seemingly abandoned" kitchen he adds "is only being used to store beer in the fridge and a full two cabinet shelves of Sriracha. Who in hell is eating that much Sriracha? I'm concerned about these boys."

Jack has enough of a breather for a light laugh at that, before Bitty goes into a simple apple pie recipe, trying to ever-improve on a classic. He notes Bitty changing up the recipe a bit, swapping out one spice for another, messing around slightly with the cook and cool times. It's almost meditative, this part of Bittle's videos. The part that has nothing to do with Jack, or the team, or Samwell. It's all Bittle, and the thing he loves most. It's refreshing.

 

The next video is...difficult. Jack has to remind himself that this is all in the past--he and Bittle are good now. Kind of great, even. If Jack hadn't been giving Bittle some distance after the whole Parse thing, Jack could probably say with some confidence that Bittle was one of the few he felt closest to. They were friends.

"So I won't lie. I've been thinking of quitting." Bittle starts, and it feels like ice running down his spine. The blonde goes on to explain his reasoning, and Jack still can't believe it. He didn't know how close Bitty was to quitting. (And perhaps, he thinks, this is one of the many reasons why Bittle didn't want the team watching his vlog, seeing his struggles in real-time.)

He was so honest, explaining himself. Nothing like when he quit figure skating. Bittle really, truly believed he didn't belong on the team, that, in his own words, he wasn't sure he could survive the season playing hockey.

And it becomes abundantly clear it's all Jack's fault.

 

Jack knows in those early days with Bittle, he was projecting. With everyone else, maybe Jack could have found a better middle ground. Could have controlled himself more. But Bittle...Bittle was one of the best skaters he had ever played the game with. And he was genuinely good at hockey--speedy on the ice, soft hands, always knew where the puck would be, how to get it where it needed to go...and then. When Bittle just...broke. His mental block completely shutting him down.

Yeah, Jack more than slightly saw the similarity. Someone incredibly promising and talented, taken down by ghosts of his own making. It was frustrating. And verbally beating on Bittle made him feel (momentarily) better about himself. Criticizing Bittle was a way to punish himself from his own shortcomings, absolve himself from them, and allowed Jack to think himself invulnerable to the kindred pain both he and Bittle shared.

Because they were terribly alike. And Jack wouldn't have been so willing or ready to even admit that, or even be cognizant of that connection, if he hadn't made several more mistakes, or been through a ton of therapy while dealing with Bittle's own checking issue.

 

The subject and star of the video, perhaps rightly, turns to Bittle. Who apparently had no idea Jack was Bad Bob's son.

Or...even who Bad Bob was. Huh.

"Now. Apparently asking a hockey player who Bob Zimmermann is is like asking a figure skater who Michelle Kwan is. Or a sitcom writer who Lucille Ball is. Or any breathing human who Beyonce is," Bittle says, rolling his eyes for effect. "Well, pardon me, but I'm from the south, and we're more up on our football than ice sports, so I might have missed a few things here and there. But honestly? I guess it explains a lot about my captain, come to think of it."

Jack should be angry about Bittle using his vlog as a forum to psychologically analyze Jack and conjecture about his family issues, but honestly...he's weirdly not. Bittle isn't some shark hockey journo trying to find a new way to get under Jack's skin, and honestly, it's nothing that he hasn't heard before, but much worse. At least Bittle is kind about it. He just wants to understand Jack.

Also. It's not like Jack didn't give Bittle a reason to be mad with him. It's not like Jack didn't provide Bittle with all the ammunition he could need to want to dig into Jack's sordid family history.

 

Bittle's videos are a bit cheerier after that. Starting off with one video that's completely foodless, just an excited update video after Bittle's first assist. It's right after the game too, gear and book bag thrown over the bed without a care, Bittle still dressed in his school colors. He even has a hockey stick in hand as he renacts the play that got Bittle his assist and Ransom his goal. It puts a smile on Jack's face.

 

In the next video, its' early, the room is dark and Bittle is illumiated just from the ambient light of the screen and the cutting edge of dawn daylight sneaking in through the blinds. "Reason #17 to hate Jack: He woke me up. At 4AM. To skate at Faber. On a Sunday. Because Jack Zimmermann works harder than God."

Jack has to laugh at that. It's a criticism he'll happily take, and one that he's definitely heard before from Bittle himself, while grumbling on their way to the rink on those early morning checking clinics.

 

The next video is from family weekend. Jack can tell from Bittle's introduction. Bittle talks about his mother, and he bakes...something with his mother in the kitchen before their game...Jack isn't paying attention.

He wants to put the computer aside, wants to step away for a minute.

But. He can't.

He remembers it all. Bittle's first goal for the team. The game winner. How Jack had been burried so far in his own issues, his own head, that he couldn't just couldn't let it go. How he lashed out at Bittle.

It was completely unfair of Jack. At the time, he was still comparing himself and Bittle. But that night, instead of seeing Bittle as a compendium of Jack's own flaws, Bittle was Jack, but perfected. He was already naturally likable, great at hockey, easily earned the approval of his (Jack's) father, and even fucking got the game-winning shot at a goal with his eyes closed, for fuck's sake. That entire post-game was an exercise in self-flagellation for Jack. And he would have certainly managed doing the damage on his own if Bitty hadn't followed him outside in Jack's hasty retreat.

He realized how it affected Bittle. Bittle took Jack screaming at his face in those early days, berating him in front of their teammates, and still didn't break. But those six words from Jack shut him up completely.

"Bittle. It was a lucky shot."

Jack knew it would hurt. Because it would've hurt Jack to hear it, if those words were for him. To reduce that skill, that effort, to luck? Was insulting. Devastating.

And Bittle just...said nothing.

He really, _really_ said nothing.

Not to Jack afterward. Maybe to others, but...his vlog is strangely quiet after that one family weekend video. No mention of Jack's bad attitude.

Unlike the assist video...there's no video celebrating his game-winning shot.

He realizes now exactly what he took from Bittle. Stole a little bit of that light. Dimmed the brightness. Shadowed Bittle in a bit of Jack's own darkness.

Jack put his hand over his eyes, rubbing at his temples and breathing out a shuddery breath, trying not to cry. He tries to remember what his therapist would tell him, that he should learn from his mistakes, rather than endlessly dwell in them. In this case...he had learned, hadn't he? He became someone better, right? Someone a little less horrible? That was just one bad day. And Jack apologized.

Months later. It hardly even counts.

 _Crisse_.

 

Yeah. He's done watching videos tonight.


End file.
